I was going to write my review for Final Destination 5 in crayon, precisely how I believe the script for the film was written. I opted against doing that as my scanner is broken and nobody would be able to read how absolutely terrible and absurd this movie is.
Like the other films in the Final Destination series, the story for FD5 revolves around someone having a premonition that something bad is going to happen to them and their friends. This time around it’s a young man named Sam (Nicholas D’Agosto) who is heading out on a work retreat via bus when he has a vision of a bridge collapsing and everyone dying. He freaks out and gets off the bus, saving everyone who chases after him.
As you know from the previous films, and from Tony Todd’s ominous coroner character, you can’t cheat death! Doesn’t happen in these movies. And soon everyone that was saved starts to die horrible and ridiculous deaths. The end.
If you’re interested in FD5 you probably have a good sense of what the series is — a vehicle to present cool death scenes. FD5 follows this strategy to a point, but gets so silly with trying to work the 3-D element in (yes, it’s in 3-D), that there is nothing redeeming about the outcome at all. It’s actually one of the worst movies I’ve seen all year. And I enjoyed the previous Final Destination films!
I wanted to see some good gore. I wanted to squirm in my seat a little. FD5 didn’t deliver on any of this. In a word, FD5 is lame. It has lame acting, a lame script, lame directing, lame 3-D, and lame gore. Lame, lame, lame! There is a twist ending that I thought was cool at first and then realized just how lame it is.
If you’re a horror buff, skip FD5 and wait for something better to come along. Like, say, Fright Night on August 19 or Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark on August 26.
Rating: 
Rated 18A
Cast: Nicholas D’Agosto, Emma Bell, Miles Fisher, David Koechner
Directed by: Steven Quale
Top image: A scene from Final Destination 5. Courtesy Warner Bros.
